Most mornings start out pretty much the same everyday for me. Check the Iphone to make sure I'm not getting up at ridiculously early time (which I am known for), kiss Jake good morning and head to the kitchen to make myself some coffee. Its been about 8 months since I have graduated from college and I still don't feel that I am entirely used to this abundance of free time that I have in the mornings since I am working full time in the afternoons. There is still some sort of urgency or anxiousness that I feel if I don't get myself up early on the weekdays , but that is a different story all on its own.
I have blogged before for classes when I was still school so in a way, doing this blog specifically for myself is something new for me. I decided that this would be a good outlet for me, a little bit of self therapy for my constantly racing mind.
The past year has been really tough for me. I ended an abusive two year relationship which continues to torment me to this day, got into some legal trouble and currently find myself at odds with myself and my own self worth. Though its been very challenging for me I have also been fortunate to be blessed with wonderful people and opportunities that have changed me for the better. Jake came into my life last summer as the "homeless guy" who slept on my couch for the summer. After 6 months of pining for one another we eventually decided to be together and it has been amazing ever since. I have never known a more compassionate and unconditional love than I have with him. He is my other half; my true match.
In addition to a new love I also began work collecting debt for DirecTV. Collecting debt sounds much more terrible and boring than it actually is, most likely due to the negative stereotypes that surround it. I am fortunate to work for a great company that is continuously involved in our community as well as promoting a compassionate work environment. Everyday I am on the phone listening to people tell me why they can not pay their bills. A lot of the time it sounds like these people are just enjoying their life mooching of our tax dollars , but every now and then I get someone on the phone who truly is in a low spot and I am reminded of what I have to be thankful for. Life has thrown me some curveballs but it has also lead me to a better way of thinking.
Everyday I struggle with my own self worth both physically and psychologically. After graduating college I felt a lot of pressure from my parents and the people around me to find that perfect post college job that would land me in a new location and a new standard of living. Yet here I am still working in the same town. I make a little bit more money but its still not up to par as far as what I think that someone of my nature should have accomplished at my age. But thats just me being my own toughest critic. I just have to keep reminding myself that life is not about the ending its the journey. Every job, every city, every crappy apartment I live in is just going to be more for me to reflect on as I sit on my porch as elderly woman who has had a life filled with experiences.
I know that there is more out there than what I am currently perceiving. I need to get myself to start thinking about the longterm goals not what is just immediately in front of me. I know once I can make this way of thinking a habit the content I will feel from being satisfied with myself will transcend in to other areas of my life in which i find that I struggle with (body image, family issues, unresolved past experiences, etc).
So this blog is dedicated to me coming to terms with the things that I have struggled with (the endings) and opening my heart and mind to my future, the beginnings that have yet to be discovered. Life is what you make it and how you perceive it, just like what you see when you look through a kaleidoscope. You see what you choose to see and today I am choosing to see everything in positive light because life is journey that should be enjoyed.
